My mirror is cracked into a thousand little jagged shapes, as is my ego. I can’t look into it anymore without feeling a tidal wave of pain both emotional and physical. I turn away slowly and carefully pull myself onto my black duvet, settling on my stomach and clutching my hands to my chest. My hair falls over my face, limp and matted, filtering the light that hangs above my bed.
I heave a laboured sigh and suddenly the dam’s let loose and tears spill from my eyes, soaking the duvet beneath me. I start sobbing and I can’t stop. They continue for what feels like an hour. I wouldn’t know the time though, I don’t keep a clock. It only reminds me of him. Everything does…
He did this to me. He may not have held the whip or left the marks himself, but he allowed this to happen. It’s all his fault. He said he’d love me forever. I was his one and only. He lied to me, just like everyone else lies. I should never have trusted him. He was oh so innocent. I taught him much. We laughed together, ate together. We kissed. And at the Guild, we even slept together… but it was all meaningless. He never really loved me.
Now… he never will.
I am alone.
The sobs eventually dissipate and I find my irrational thoughts drifting aimlessly. I try not to dwell on any one thing for too long. I let the darkness take me. Not sleep, but darkness. The same inky blackness that always seems to hover in the corners of my sight. No one else seems to notice it, no one else understands.
When I let it take me all the feelings go away. They disappear and I’m left with a clear head. I can make effective decisions. I can plan. In this mind, I can’t feel love or hate for someone. I just feel nothing. It’s like I’m stripped of all those useless emotions and left naked to be my true self. In a way, it’s comforting.
I’d rather not feel anything anymore.
I lay there for a few more minutes before I make the effort to get off the bed. Everything I do now takes effort. They were cruel and brutal with the conditioning… and they were remorseless when they left the scars… I deserved it, I suppose. I was in the wrong. As a reminder they said. Now you’ll look like her.
I don’t want to look anything like her! If I do, it only reminds me of him. Besides…I’ve seen her. She doesn’t look like that anymore. I don’t really think she ever did. My blood boils with anger and jealousy, my vision sparking with purple energy.
That’s right. I’m the void. I can be devoid of emotion. I can be useful again. When I recover from this, I will be stronger. He can trust me again. He will use me like he did before. I won’t be worthless or alone.
She can trust her human pets all she wants. She can try and save them, but the Master’s got it right. We are better than them. We are worthy of his attentions. It is us who should be free to move about the world without fear of being shunned and killed.
Old memories awaken in me at this, memories of authorities, a guillotine and … him. I shake my head and regret it as it throbs with pain. Stop thinking about those things. The Master will fix this world. He’ll fix it for all of us, including those other mages who are being fooled into thinking they need to protect it. We only have to convince them to see the truth.
We only have to… show them the truth.
Yes, we could show them. Then they would have to believe it.
They say seeing is believing.
My lips part in a small smile causing the scab on my lip to crack open again, but I care not. I am devoid of emotion. This is a good plan. I will wait for him to come to me, to ask me for my help and I will do as he wants. I will finally not be left out like I was before. I won’t be alone. Not if I help him.
That’s what he promised… isn’t it?
I don’t want to be alone…
But then… sometimes… I like it. It’s easier than dealing with the incompetence of others. Maybe it’s because I’ve become accustomed to working alone. Maybe this is why I hate others. They don’t understand me. They never do. Even… back then.
But… he got me… He understood.
STOP IT! Don’t think about that.
I rest on my heels, leaning my back gingerly against the side of my bed. I close my eyes and cup my head in my hands.
Why is it so hard not to think about him? Why can’t I let him go? He’s clearly moved on. He’s got her, and that baby the Master wants, alive. I shouldn’t have gone out to kill it. I just thought… I just wanted to take it all away from him… take it away so that he would come back to me… so that he would notice me again.
But even after all that he still goes to her. He still loves her. He still… needs her. He seems… happier with her. Why does he need her? What does she have that I don’t? Surely he didn’t want her before she got herself knocked up. Isn’t there anything I can do to make him see me again? See me… like he used to?
I delicately trace the scar that runs over my eye and down my cheek with my fingers. I prod at the swollen tissue and the hard scab that’s formed over it. It’s ugly and hideous, even to the touch. I wish I could erase it. Erase it all, but I’m not allowed…
Ahh… that’s it.
He doesn’t remember because of that. I could… un-erase it… no? Return what I took from him so that he remembers. Give him back the lost memories, the pages. The time…
I lower my hands and bite my lip in thought. I taste blood where my lip has split again. I could send them back to him, and undo that spell…
Then he would remember me…
Maybe then… he’d want me back…
And I wouldn’t be so alone.
By Kayla West